Mental health: A fight with “manning up”
Wow! It seems like I haven’t updated anything here for quite some time. I was checking the stats, and I must say, I was thrilled when I discovered that there are still a handful of amazing well-wishers from all over the world who visit this site regularly- hoping for a new post, presumably. Thank you, beautiful souls, from the UK, Australia, USA, New Zealand, India, Nepal, China and many other countries. Also, apologies for not posting new content in a while.
Like many of my other posts, this one has been sitting in my drafts for quite some time. Initially, I had intended to publish it for Mental Health Awareness Month in May. However, quite ironically, my mental health had other plans in mind.
Recently, my calendar reminded me about World Mental Health Awareness Day on the 10th of October. So, I decided to aim for that day to publish a new blog about mental health and share a thing or two about myself, something I have gathered the courage to share or even talk about. Let’s see how I go. (I will add an update here)
Update: I did it. This blog went online on the 10th of October, but I had to pull it off because I wanted to add something.
This is my story.
For a long time, I struggled to conceal my mental health issues, even as they worsened and occasional thoughts of suicide crept in. I could not gather the courage to speak to anybody for many reasons, including fear of judgment and fear of getting hurt from dismissive comments.
At times, I was kind of living a double life. There was a cheerful version of me who made people laugh, talked about silly things and was always smiling. Then there was another me- who was either contemplating life, frequently thinking of the ways to end it, or attempting to forget everything with alcohol.
During this time, I relied on an excessive intake of strong coffee and a handful of painkillers just to get through the working day. On my days off and most evenings, I substituted coffee with cheap alcohol.
These substances did help me escape my reality and kept me going- to a certain point.
There were a handful of reasons behind this. The worst one was caused by a certain individual who skilfully employed manipulation, lies, and persuasion to socially isolate me from everyone I knew. They took every opportunity to tarnish my reputation, and sadly, their tactic was effective. People readily believed the initial narrative they heard without even bothering to check with me. The tactic was so successful that many people stopped talking to me altogether.
At one point, I found myself without a single soul to confide in. I felt completely alone and isolated. It seemed that there was nobody whom no one wanted to talk to me, including those whom I hadn’t spoken to in a while. It turned out that my manipulator had reached out to almost everyone on my contact list and, more or less, turned them against me with their sap stories.
The tactic was so powerful that, almost seven years on, I have yet to hear from those whom I considered near and dear ones.
So my days were often hazy, and my nights were boozy. However, on one clear-ish day, whether due to predestination or fate, I reluctantly called my surgery for an appointment with a GP. Looking back, it was the most proactive step I took in years!! Unsurprisingly, I was promptly prescribed an antidepressant.
Hello, old friend!!
Around 1999, I experienced several frequent breakdowns and shared my struggles with a few close friends, seeking sympathy and support. Instead, I was met with harsh comments like “Man up” and “Stop seeking attention.” This experience left a lasting scar that I’ve only just begun to heal from.
Things didn’t improve, despite moving to a different country and trying to reset my life. In or around 2004, I started taking antidepressants. I think it was Prozac.
Sometimes during that period, I was introduced to meditation and hypnotherapy. I didn’t attend any hypnotherapy sessions, but I was intrigued by meditation. So, I invested in various books and audio CDs from eBay and started incorporating them into my routine. After a while, I started experiencing some positive results, which eventually led me to successfully discontinue my use of Prozac.
Unfortunately, my mental health issue resurfaced after a year, probably because I had stopped meditating. This time, I underwent a few one-to-one therapy sessions alongside new antidepressants.
I resumed my meditation practice and started writing, mostly my thoughts in the form of a diary. I discovered that writing acted as a therapeutic outlet, and gradually, I was able to wean myself off the medication once again.
A year or so later, probably fuelled by my newfound strength, I made the courageous decision to relocate. This significant change, including a new job, helped my symptoms fade away.
Fast forward to 2018, once again, my mental health issue resurfaced, and this time, I was trapped by the social blockage I mentioned earlier. With nowhere to go and nobody to talk to, I had no choice but to return to medication. While it helped me massively, I didn’t want to rely on it indefinitely.
As I gradually started feeling better, I sought solace in connecting with others facing similar challenges online.
It wasn’t an easy task, especially due to my experiences. Then I met a nice teacher who gradually helped me remove my dependency on antidepressants.
During this time, I also attended a few online therapy sessions, which helped and encouraged me to engage with people going through similar situations. This experience showed me that I wasn’t alone in my struggles, and it provided a sense of community.
I continued to incorporate regular meditation via apps, podcasts and books. For the first time, I began immersing myself in spirituality. Not religion, but spirituality. I expanded my genre and started listening to spiritual podcasts, audiobooks, and teachings.
Digging deeper into spirituality sent me on a quest to explore my inner self, which has proven quite beneficial.
Now I start my day with meditation and utilise my spare time on spirituality, psychology and philosophy. This led me to adopt a vegan lifestyle.
These changes made me a different person; my perspective towards life has changed, and I no longer seek happiness in materialistic things, and I no longer consume substances. I have learned to forgive and move on, and to leave the past behind. I am more stable and relatively happier.
Nevertheless, I still experience occasional episodes of depression.
People often question why, despite my knowledge and familiarity with mental health and coping strategies, I still grapple with depression myself. In response, I explain that experiencing depression despite knowing about it is akin to attempting to appear sober when you are thoroughly intoxicated.
TBC