Adventures of a best man

Between August 2014 and June 2015, I had the privilege of attending two magnificent weddings—not just as a guest, but as best man. A double honour, indeed.

Wedding one

It was my first proper church wedding and my debut as best man. Honestly, I couldn’t tell who was more nervous, the groom or me. My task was simple in theory and terrifying in practice: deliver a warm, funny speech. The second I accepted the gig over the phone, I dove into “research,” and it quickly became one of the hardest projects I’ve ever taken on.

After several drafts, I produced the “final” version—then remembered I’d never actually heard a best man’s speech in my life. Terrific, my inner critic pounced. I shredded the “final version” and parked myself in front of YouTube with a hot coffee, laser-focused,  like a hawk on its prey.

Some speeches were hilarious but a bit crude, others were packed with inside jokes—not ideal. Still, I got the general idea.

A few more goes, and a truly final draft emerged. Then came more tweaks. Eventually, my inner critic surrendered, and my confidence finally kicked in.

All the while, I knew I had to tiptoe that tightrope between funny and offensive. Mine felt a bit roastier, slightly above the recommended PG mark.  So it went back to the final edit, and I think it went down rather well.

But I always wanted to share the director’s cut. After letting it simmer for a few years, I decided to go for it—and here it is.  

The first one:

If anyone here is feeling anxious, nervous, or a touch queasy, you’re either me—because I am—or you’ve just married the Groom. (Classic opener, still does the job)

Quick disclaimer before I begin: I don’t actually know (Groom). He answered my Gumtree ad. So, if—like him—you can’t find anyone willing to be your best man, please see my agent somewhere in the crowd. He’ll explain the package, and if you quote (Groom’s name), you’ll get an extra 10% off.

The groom selected the basic best-man package. There is a premium, ad-free version available at an extra cost. My agent will explain it to you.

(pause for laughter)

Can we have a huge round of applause for the Groom’s magnificent speech? I always knew it’d be tough to follow—and I was right. I could barely follow a word of it. If you’d like a printed copy, check under your chairs

(wait until the crowd searches their chairs, then I ask if they found anything)

Exactly—there isn’t one. He had nothing to say.

Moving on,I can only say in my defence that the groom
and I went to the same humour college, and I copied all of his assignments, so if this speech is in any way unfunny, please feel free to blame the groom.

Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness another rare event in
history.  This is the very first and very last time that my wife is going
to let me speak on behalf of both of us.And I surely am going to make the
most of it.

 Are there any lawyers, doctors or funeral directors here today?
Any lawyers or doctors in the room? Please see me after the speech. Any funeral directors? My wife is at table seventeen.

Well, groom, I hope you made the most of your speech… now you’re a married man, for the years to come, you will realise that that was the last time you spoke for 3 minutes
without being interrupted.

I must admit that I was very nervous about making this speech. In
In fact, this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat
with pieces of paper in my hand.

The best man's speech is normally about making fun of the groom's expenses. Today, I'd like to break the tradition by paying him a compliment I think you’ll all agree that the groom is also looking Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry…mate …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting; you should have typed it.

I did ask for a microphone, but was told none were available. So, if you can’t hear me at the back, take comfort from the silence at the front—you’re not missing anything.

Before I started writing, I asked the Groom if there was anything I couldn’t mention. He said no. So, Bride—whatever happens next is entirely his fault.

I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that the bridelooks radiant today. As for the groom... Well, my mother always told me that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

I’d love to claim I’ve known the Groom longer than anyone here, but I know this line won’t work here when most of the people here are his family.

We met while working at (workplace). He was in another department—extremely chatty. He could befriend anyone, provided you made all the effort of meeting and most of the talking. With him around, I was only the second least popular person in the office.

The Groomleft the workplace for his XXjob, but we lived as neighbours for approximately 3 years after I moved away.

One morning he rang and said, “I’m thinking of getting married.” I said, “Brilliant.” He said, “You know what my next question is?” I said, “I’m flattered, but I’m already married.”

I’m honoured to be here to sing the Groom’s praises. The best part about being best man is that you’re never asked to prove it.

So, Rather than the usual embarrassing tales, I’ll offer some advice. Groom, enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you’ll ever be the centre of attention.

Another fun part of the wedding is that you’ll get plenty of wisdom from the married men here, mostly unwanted ones. But here’s my two pennies' worth that should put you in good standing. get along with your mother-in-law. I didn’t speak to mine for the first two years. Not because I didn’t like her—I was just too polite to interrupt.

Speaking of the bride, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress … the groomlikes it too, as he told me in the church, it will blend in nicely with the rest of his kitchen.

They say a woman falls in love with a man exactly as he is, then spends the rest of her life trying to change him. So, let’s raise a glass and take one last look at the current version of the Groom. We’ll miss you, buddy.

I’ve known the groomfor what seems forever, and I’ve had the pleasure of knowing the bride for a few years, too, and I can’t think of any other couple that is as perfect for each other as you two. You’re both wonderful people, and I count it as a blessing to call you both my friends.

I’d like to wish a very happy marriage and a memorable honeymoon.If anyone who wants to know the proper definition of a honeymoon, it’s that brief but cherished period between ‘I do’ and ‘You’d better

So to wrap this up, I’d just like to say this:

 marriage isn’t about finding someone you can live with—it’s about finding someone you can’t live without. May your love be modern enough to weather the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever.

And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to raise your glasses in a
toast to the groomand bride, the newlyweds.

Wedding Two:

The second wedding was a regular one, By "regular," I mean it was a secular ceremony, without any religious elements. This time, I felt an immense sense of confidence; I was a veteran best man.  I didn't even bother to bring my full speech along. Instead, I simply noted down a few key points on a piece of paper, and that was all I needed. It was liberating to speak more freely, relying on my own thoughts and emotions rather than a  scripted text. The atmosphere was relaxed, and I was able to connect with the audience effortlessly, expressing my genuine feelings without pressure.  

And once again, here is the director’s cut, like the previous one

The second speech.

It’s an absolute pleasure and privilege to be here today and I am sure the groom’s
feeling the same.

For those of you who know me- watch out for your names and naughtiness in this speech and those who don’t know me and are
wondering who the hell is this man and where did the accent come from, don’t worry – I am thinking the same.   My name is MY NAME   and
I have had the privilege to be here and deliver this speech today. I am not a great public speaker, so I will try to keep this short and sweet.

About me and the groom, I met the groom while he was working as a delivery driver at Ann Summers, he had to quit because his
customers failed to see the differences between his name and the goods he was
delivering. Please don’t ask what was I doing at that time.

But before I start, a little bit about my background- There’s a massive window behind me, and—ahem—a rather curious pervert peering in, apparently taking a keen interest in my background. Nothing like feeling completely exposed, right? I mean, you come for the heartfelt speech, but stay for the unintended sideshow! So if I start to stumble over my words, just know it's not stage fright—it's the guy behind the glass trying to figure out if I'm worth a second look!

On behalf of myself and the rest of the wedding party, I would like to thank
the groom and bride for inviting us to be a part of their special day. I’m sure you’ll all agree with me that the ceremony today was touching and beautiful.

But it wasn’t all happy moments. The bride looked stunning today, and, I’m sure all the guys will agree that it’s always a little bit sad to see another beautiful woman being taken off the market. And ladies, the groom’s no longer eligible either. Funny thing… None of the girls seems to be too broken up about it at all.

I texted Groom the other day to ask if there’s anything I can or can’t say.

He gave me a list of this I can and must say, the list is so long that I am still receiving it, I actually fell asleep after reading the first ten pages, I think it contains things like how magnificent he is and how lucky the bride is to have him.I, however also managed to acquire the things I am not supposed to mention here,

So, to his disappointment and everyone’s excitement, here is the list of the things I am not supposed to mention.

Semi-skimmed milk

Balsamic vinegar

Free-range eggs

Frozen vegetables. (Pause)

Oh, hang on, this could be my shopping list. No wonder the shop assistant was giving me strange looks while I was reading the list to him.

I can see the relief in the groom’seyes. He definitely has more than one stroke of luck today.   

Talking about luck, I consider myself a very lucky man today.  I have been talking for almost 3 minutes and my wife hasn’t interrupted me once.

Going back to the groom, who was born on my birthday, and I have known him for over ten years now, although I didn’t know his name was the full name until I received the wedding invitation.  At first, I was almost relieved to understand that the bride finally opened her eyes and decided to marry who met her expectations.

About the bride,  I have known her since the day they got together.#

I still remember the day.

We were in a pub and the bride was there with her friends, and I heard the
bride pointing to the groom and I am sure she said “Look at that prick.

I thought she already knew him. So, I told the groom that a girl was looking for him. And ladies and gentlemen, that’s how it started.

I remember the day, the groom and bride talking, completely ignoring me. I was waiting at the corner, holding my empty glass- waiting for him.

I must have looked really miserable because a girl approached me and asked,

“Would you like another one?

She must be drunk. I mean, why would I want two empty glasses?

Traditionally the part of this speech would be full of amusing and embarrassing stories about the groom to humiliate him, but ladies and gentlemen we all know that the groom is quite capable of humiliating himself without any additional help and he’s much better at it than I could ever hope to be.

Not only that, I have found the groom to be slow and laid back too, I recall a day at work, he was not all himself- he didn’t say anything. But later admitted that he was missing the bride.

Give her a ring then, I said

And it took him seven years!!

Talking about time, we currently live in XXX and for those who
haven’t been to XXX yet, here’s a picture I took yesterday, from the top this
morning (shows a blank white screen on iPad).

So, we arrived yesterday, and were running late so we grabbed a taxi and said
“Waterloo mate” The cab driver looked at me and asked “Station?” I said, well I
am a bit late for the battle, aren’t I!!!

Groom, it’s been an honour to get to know you over the last few years, and I couldn’t be happier for you. You’ve found a woman who is kind, honest, caring, and who deserves nothing but the best husband there is. Luckily you found her before she had a chance to meet him.

But seriously bride I’ve gotten to know the groom quite well over the years, and I will say this – you have a husband who is devoted to you and will never let you down. I’ve seen him at his worst, and I’ve seen him at his best. But through the years I have never seen him as happy as he is when he’s with you.

Friends, as a man who will drink to just about anything, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to drink to something worthwhile. Please join me in a toast: The groom and the bride, I know the two of you will be going to have a long and happy life together. I speak for everyone here when I say I wish you both the very best. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old-fashioned enough to last forever.

To the groom and the bride.